NBN flashes before me, but Not Behaving Normally

The NBN was coming to my house and I got very excited. I thought, "Whooo hoooo, the NBN is coming to my house and life is going to get so much better! My internet will be faster and my family will be happier and the world will be more peaceful and the reefs will stop bleaching and schoolyards will end bullying and everyone on the planet will join hands and dance in a big circle of love, people of all nations, nbnreligions, identities, all laughing and singing R.E.M's Shiny Happy People! The NBN is coming, THE NBN IS COMING, WHOOOHOOOOOO!!!!"

But of course it was never going to happen like that: I was NBN (Naive, Blindingly Naive). The NBN technician came to my house in the morning and got straight to work. He slung up wires and laid down cables and installed a little NBN connection box beside my computer – he said, "When all four green lights stop flashing, you'll have NBN (Noticeably Better Networking)!" and I shook his hand and said, "NBN (Nice, Brilliant, Neato!)" and he headed off, yelling, "NBN (No-probs! Bye-Bye! Namaste!)"

I sat down and stared at the green lights, waiting for them to stop flashing, waiting for my better life, thinking "NBN (Nearly, Be-patient, Not-long)". The NBN connection box flashed for another 20 minutes, then another 20 minutes, then another hour and a hour, and I thought, "N… B… N (Nope… Bugger… Nothing)."

I was reminded of the wise ancient proverb, "A watched NBN™ Connection Box will never connect to a high-speed network (via a hybrid fibre coaxial lead-in cable)".

So I got up and had a little snack in the kitchen: NBN (Nachos, Bowl, Noshing). When I came back the lights were still flashing. Getting a bit stressed now, a bit anxious, NBN (Nails Bitten Nervously).

The NBN instruction booklet told me to contact my internet service provider if there was any trouble, so I rang up Technical Support and was put on hold, an occasional recorded voice saying, "Did you know that you can resolve many of your technical problems online?" and I thought, "Well I would, if I could get online, you NBN (Numbskull Boofhead Neanderthal!)"

Finally I was put onto a guy in India, who transferred me to a woman in the Philippines, who checked my connection and told me that it wasn't working and I thought, "NBN (No Bullshit, Noamchomsky)".

She told me it would take several more hours before I was connected, but NBN (Not Before Nighttime). Losing it now, getting mad, NBN (Needlessly Bashing Noggin).

The NBN connection box finally connected at exactly 5:57 pm. The lights stopped flashing, the modem fired up, and I thought "Whoo hooo, I have internet! Just like the internet I had before! No faster, no better, and there's no sign of any global circle of dancing people singing Shiny Happy People. But at least I've got internet! Whooo hoooo!"

Then my daughter came in and sad the Wi-Fi wasn't working and her laptop had gone into a state of severe NBN (Neverending Beachball Nuttiness). Then my wife yelled out that the scanner on the printer was NBN (Not Behaving Normally).

Then the modem dropped out, the phone line disconnected, the connection box began flashing again and I thought, "ARGHHHHH NBN! (NATIONAL BROADBAND NETWORK! NOT BLOODY NECESSARY! NOTHING BUT NIGHTMARES! NAUSEA, BARFING, NONSTOP!)"

Turned off every device in the house, slumped in the corner, closed my eyes. Ahhhhh … NBN (Nothingness, Beautiful Nothingness).

NBN: Will expectations be fulfilled or have we been fed a line?

NBN: Will expectations be fulfilled or have we been fed a line?